Denial Hour

So, hey, I like comics. I also like Japan’s comics. I particularly like how they have a far wider range of genres that their comics dip into, whether independent or put through by a major publisher. If I want to read a comic about a soccer team fighting for worldwide glory while also dealing with romantic tension inside the team, homosexual and otherwise, and they are also secretly fighting demons of the underworld, then shit, Japan has a comic they wanna sell me.

Case in point: Japan has more romantic comics than you can shake a stick at, wheras America tends to be stuck choosing between Archie’s eternal struggle between Betty and Veronica, or some insane mob soap opera lesbian love triangle stock market manipulation fucking whatever from Strangers in Paradise, with a few other titles on the side. Japan will sell me everything from puppy love to Stockholm Syndrome love.

All that variety isn’t always a plus, though.

Case in point, me, the other day, after a friend decided to give me a link into I don’t even fucking know what.

Well, alright, nothing looks off with that cover. Takes the Cinderella formula without actually being about Cinderella, the usual princess romance stuff, will probably be a love triangle or two along the way. ‘Queen Of The True Hearts’, huh? Sounds like the same old, same old -

Uh?

Oh.

Huh.

So - Japan has a manga about Princess Diana. Which, I suppose, shouldn’t sound too weird. Japan has also had a manga about Joan of Arc, and, slightly less impressive, the guy who invented instant noodles. Historical comics aren’t anything new to them. So, who knows, maybe this could be

GNAGGHGGHHHHHHH

Just so you know, that right there is Prince Charles. Charles, Prince of Wales, devourer of souls.

But, checking through wikipedia, Diana and Charles’ life is pretty much rife with everything someone writing a romance comic could want. Royalty, marriage, cheating (on both ends), just lots of drama all around and then, uh… a car crash.

So, Japan! Princess Diana manga! Sounds… great. Just great.

Additionally, comics have a tendency to flatter the appearance of anyone, and, well.

This is Princess Diana and Prince Charles, circa 1981, who appear to be ready to either A: Sell you a fixer-upper of a house or B: Appear in the background of a New Wave music video.

This is Manga Prince Charles, who seems far more suited in appearing as a fan favorite character in my suggested Soccer-Gay Romance-Power Rangers manga (To be titled: DYNAMITE FIELD!!!).

And this is Manga Princess Diana, who looks far more primed to star in a new series about falling for the quiet, tough and gruff gang leader at school, while also being pursued by 30 other suitors, 20 of whom look identical.

But, whatever, let’s give this a go, shall we?

Chapter 1: Pg. 1-2: Prince Charles shows up, and nothing happens. unless you count Prince Charles’ murder eyes. And I do.

Pg. 3: Diana punches her brother right in the fucking skull just for being a messy eater. This Manga: Picking up!

Pg. 4-5: 30 seconds after seeing Diana, Charles already starts talking about how gorgeous, sweet, and shy she is. Charles does not seem to notice or care that Diana just punched her brother for eating messily. Flowers, bubbles, and other romantic filler for lack of backgrounds: Already stuffed ass-full.

Pg. 6-8: Sarah is pissed at Charles about something or another, so Charles invites Diana to a Buckingham ball instead, because hey, when your girlfriend is ticked off at you, the best course of action is to hit on her sister instead. According to Shojo manga standards, this is meant to establish that Charles has already fallen deeply in love with Diana, but it really just makes him look like a horny dick. This manga has no time for relationship development. IT’S GONNA BE PAGE 10 SOON, WHY AREN’T YOU TWO MARRIED YET

Pg. 9-11: Diana considers her invitation to the ball by: calling herself fat, fearing being judged by others, stating that her clothes are god awful (this despite the fact that Diana comes from a line of Earls and royalty herself), and also considering herself what it’d be like to be Charles’ wife 30 seconds after getting the invitation. Flowery Background Filler continues to rule with an iron fist. Yet it is PAGE 11 AND YOU’RE NOT MARRIED YET, I NEED MY ROMANCE DELIVERED STRAIGHT INTO MY VEINS, GIMME A HIT

Pg 12-13: Diana’s brother wakes her from her ‘man i’d love to be charles’ wife’ daydream by screaming into her ear. He won’t stop yelling. Despite this, Diana does not reintroduce his teeth to her fist, for reasons beyond me. If the dude eats messy and you’ll show him what’s what, why won’t you kick his ass for blowing out your eardrums, Diana?

The two of them then decide to go to Buckingham Palace together. Diana’s brother yells ‘YAY!’ as if he was auditioning for a voice role on Muppet Babies.

Pg. 14

goddamn, england, where’d you get all those fucking feathers and glitter jam

moving on to important storytelling now, i’m sure

Pg. 15

DAMMIT

Pg. 16-18: Diana shows up, everybody already totally loves her and thinks she’s gorgeous, and states so publicly. Diana responds to this by still wondering if anyone likes her. Diana’s brother, Charles, continues to keep yelling everything he does or think.

Also:

RETURN OF PRINCE CHARLES’ CRAZY EYES

Pg. 19-21: Prince Charles and his frighteningly huge eyelashes smile at Diana, making her feel better. But what’s this? Prince Charles is dancing with somebody else! Moreover, he is dancing with a hellbeast born straight from the Devil’s loins. We know this because she has sharp, evil eyes, and bloodspatters are used as a background, for a dancing sequence. This comic knows
SUBTLETY

Pg. 22: The evil woman Charles is dancing with is Camilla - currently known in real life as Prince Charles’ wife. She calls Diana a bitch, and then says she has an annoying aura. The most important thing here is that apparently, Camilla can read auras. This manga can get better in a hurry if it starts being about fighting supernatural evil with spirit powers granted from heaven and hell.

Pg. 23: Sparkles, bubbles, and a total refusal to draw backgrounds. This artist fucking hates drawing anything that doesn’t state the current atmosphere is either A: Love or B: Hate.

Pg. 24: Someone else asks Diana to dance, since Charles is tied up with the Bride of Satan, if we are to take this manga’s implications correctly. And this person asking Diana to dance is

hahaha, what in the fuck is that coat, i don’t even

Anyway.

Pg. 25: Coat Man is three to four feet taller than Diana. It’s hard to be sure how much, since he’s bending down a bit.

I’m gonna go with three and a half feet taller.

Pg. 26-29: Prince Charles, Camilla, and everybody else at the ball just totally LOSES THEIR SHIT at seeing Diana and Coat Man dance. We can be sure it was so mind blowingly gorgeous that it would make you crap your pants, as the flowers to actual action ratio is off the charts.

Diana, with apparently almost no dancing experience of her own and is just following some dude’s lead, is compared to Audrey Hepburn in War and Peace. Later, Diana will cure cancer by fumbling around with beakers, so long as she’s within a three foot radius of an actual cancer doctor.

Pg. 30: With Prince Charles finally waltzing over to ask Diana for a dance, Coat Man (now officially Mysterious Coat Man) disappears into the wind, leaving Diana behind.

And… that’s where the first chapter ends. Really.

Christ, I’m gonna end up reading all of this goddamn series, aren’t I?